A lot of thing seemed to be in my head yet i don't know what is in my head.... 

My feeling now are all entangled... too many things happened at one time making me feel so suffocated...

i think this song's lyrics is really nice and 真是一针见血...

郑可为-可不可以

我看起来很好 不需要依靠
请别来打扰 爱~在身边围绕
我接受不到 暂时还不敢面对心理 空虚的一角

可不可以 可不可以
可不可以 不勇敢
能不能停止对爱渴望

可不可以 痛苦一场
风雨过后 会看见曙光
this too shall pass
我坚持着希望

雨淋湿了眼眶 悲伤中要坚强
是考验是成长
风吹散了伪装 只剩下迷惘
雷电交响 放大了一个人的孤单

可不可以 可不可以
可不可以 不勇敢
能不能停止对爱渴望

可不可以 痛苦一场
风雨过后 会看见曙光
this too shall pass
我坚持着希望

终于发现 抵抗会更难
内心的呼唤不该隐藏
所以拥抱影子 转身背向阳光
沉沦一分钟的绝望
却还坚信 this too shall pass

可不可以 可不可以
可不可以 不勇敢
能不能停止对爱渴望

可不可以 痛苦一场
风雨过后 会看见曙光
this too shall pass
我坚持着希望

I'm currently in school library, doing FYP and i'm feeling so sick and cold... My stupid nose is running and my throat feels so super sensitive, perhaps because i'm in a air-conditional room. My hands is so cold that my speed of typing is like a snail crawling with umpteen mistakes made, making me keep retyping my content...

Yesterday a lot of things happened, every time after a talk with my sister i would feel so determine to work. I would feel selfish not to work. But when i'm alone or while with my friends, i would feel so determine to go university first. Up till now i still don't know what path should i take in the near future. One thing for sure, I don't feel like working when i'm still so young. If i were to start working after poly graduation, i would only be at most 21 when i step into the working society, which a feeling i don't like. Why do i have to lead a life so different from my friends? When they are playing, studying, enjoying the peak of a teenager, while me being so different - working, just to carry on with life because it what i need to do. Sometimes i would think that i'd rather not be born into the world, but sometimes I would think if i'm born before my sister would everything be different. Do you know how scary life is? Do you know how scary it is when someone told you that she's so shocked that she's relief that she nearly got knocked down by a car. That's how tired she is but i don't know, even if i know i don't know how to help her. Well maybe i know but i just don't want to face the reality, the reality that would define my life ahead if i admit it...

Some people will be upset over minor things like being misunderstood by others, but not for me anymore. For me, my life have already pushed me to a limit whereby i should live for other and not purely for myself, because she have suffered enough and my parents are old and tired already. Sometimes i'm shocked at how much white hair they had on their head. Time really pass way too fast, in  blink of eye i'm 20 and in my dad's eyes, i should be working and supporting him and not the other way round. My mom is tired, she knows that i want to go university so she keep quiet, but deep down i know that she's tired. It also hurts me to see her being so tired, i still have a brother who still haven't grow up and going to poly next year. His school fees will be a burden on top of my uni fee's on my parents and sister's shoulder if i were to go uni. But it will be a different story if i work...

current feeling: helpless

helplessness is all i can feel now, i can clearly see her crying in front of me. And i clearly know that there is nothing i can do, totally nothing except for one thing, which is to start working immediately so that she can change her job. BUT me being a selfish person can't do it, i simply don't have the courage to do it. I simply don't know what can i do but to fake ignorant, to selfishly think that she is alright. 

I wanted to continue studying because i don't want to work yet. But it seemed to be the only option available for me now, for now only. I really hope things will change in half a year time. Brother is also going to start poly in about 9 months time. My parents income is still enough to cover our expenses for now because i'm on scholarship, so school fees is not a problem, but i really don't know what to do once my brother gets into poly...

Money is always an issue in my family, or rather it is what that is making her so stressed up. Everyone is complaining, everyone except for her. She is the only one who always put others first and i'm not an exception, she only know how to stupidly endure in silence. Did they, my parents realise that i'm only 20. U are tired but i'm also tired, tired of living the life not in the way i wanted, but i need to. Did you realise that i will also be tired.

When i reached home, i surfed net and went to bed at like 5pm. I intended to wake up at 7pm to study but i woke up at 9pm! I can't believe that i can sleep for so long when i'm feeling sleepy now. I am really a pig right?

Trip to Malaysia - Bao Ling's house was quite fun. except for a few minor incidents. Spent around S$30 to S$40 altogether, which was relatively acceptable for me=] Anyway bao ling i think your sofa is quite comfortable and want to thank you for letting us stay in your house!

I  am already off the study plan that i set for myself, behind time. There are so many things happening during this "study break" because:
1. Charlene is flying to Finland so have a gathering on saturday
2. FYP which i dread the most
3. Study for revision - people may think that i am a nerd or crazy fellow for starting so early but what else can i do since i'm a no very clever person. I can only study harder to get better marks. I really envy people who are clever.

I'm thinking of closing m livejournal since I am not updating it. I shall see how it goes. But don't be shock when you visited it one day and it is no longer here.

Nothing happened, but i just got this feeling. The feeling of tired. I just feel so tried of everything. I felt that i did nothing that is of my own interest except doing what is needed since i was born. This issue is being highlighted in m polytechnic life, They just took for granted that they do not need to worry for my school fees. Do they even know how tired i am trying to maintain my results to get my scholarship money. How i always have to save my that little bit of money to feel just a tiny bit more secure. Do they know how tired i am... I don't feel like carrying on anymore...

I'm feeling so sleepy after taking my medicine!!!! YAWN~~~

COUGH, COUGH and COUGH... when am i going to recover???? My cough has been following me for near to 2 weeks already! zzz

MOOD: SAD):

Feeling sad. Don't know the real reason. results or pms???

Got back my IT paper. It was alright but not alright as compared to others, so is it alright?

I have a bad feeling...

DREAD.

ALICIA QUEK SHU YI HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!!!

hope u enjoy the everything! 

alright now that everything is over, then i can post safely without worries! HAHA started planning since after the shopping trip with alicia and charlene. Well it's only a few days of intensive planning plus preparation but it seems long enough. Ok let's leave out all the details and start from saturday.

Saturday was totally cui for me la! I woke up at 8am in the morning when i slept at around 2am in the morning, Went to lavender to collect passport with my sister plus me doing a new passport cuz mine expired. (BAO i do my passport already so can go ur house already!). Well we were supposed to reach lavender at 945am but we reached at around 10 plus. So i only met charlene at about 1 plus in the afternoon when i'm supposed to meet her at 1230pm. After meeting her we went to makan then went to buy ingredients for baking of alicia's cake. The shop was relatively easy to find but it was disaster when we went back... We walked like near to 30 minutes just to find that stupid bus stop. By the time i reached charlene i was already very very tired and  very hot! So we slack in her air-conditioned room for like half an hour before baking the cake. Ok i think the cake very cui. Though today after the eat they say ok but still damn sian diao. After baking the cake, i brought it home cuz we tot the BIRTHDAY gal was sleeping over at charlene house... but she did not! zzz anyway saturday night we went zouk, and now i think i'm having muscle aches! zzz super tired la! The night was long with lots of happenings. Not only there's like constant near fight situations, there's also police raid! JOKE. AND that stupid staff took my tag without giving me a tag and thus causing me to have a hard time finding my bag. Luckily i did not drink much so i was still sober enough(very sober cuz drank very little) to verify what's in my bag. But i was very tired, seriously very tired, i was so tired that when i went to drink water while sitting i was stoning and have barely enough strength to hold my glass cup! LOL and i was super shocked when someone come cheers me... LOL and i din realise the existence of the guy who is dancing in front of me and charlene until charlene reacted! JOKE. Anw the night ended with a great bath and the maggie! yum yum (:

Sunday which is alicia actual birthday day. I had a hard time coordinating and cheating alicia LOL. But the initial low attendance which made me super sian turned into a full attendance all thanks to alicia's suayness... LOL But cause ade to have a hard time. Feels so sorry! But nevertheless i was pleased to see that everything went well tonight's surprise (:

Hope u enjoy ur 20th birthday and enjoy ur camp!!! 

 WEATHER FORECAST : THUNDERSTORM

Well my mood now is just like the rain now. Thunder and rain and blur. Can't see too far, don't know what is ahead of me. Confused? Scared? Of the results i guess. I rather people comment on me rather than going for retest. No actually i would rather that i dun have to worry abt school fees and dun have to feel so scared and uncertain every time i go in and out of a exam hall. Is simple that difficult to achieve?